Friday, 14 February 2014

Why I Cannot Be a Wife But May Beat You At Scrabble

The following was not written by myself (one can find this article by simply googling "sociopath")but be it to my making or detriment I have,it has to be said, identified with this profile and rather closely at that. I hope this doesn't scare you the sub away?! for I post to tempt you, maybe to challenge?! but of all I see this as blatant truism of my person and to it. Profile of the Sociopath This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths. Glibness and Superficial Charm Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. Incapacity for Love Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. Other Related Qualities: Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them Authoritarian Secretive Paranoid Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired Conventional appearance Goal of enslavement of their victim(s) Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love) Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim Incapable of real human attachment to another Unable to feel remorse or guilt Extreme narcissism and grandiose May state readily that their goal is to rule the world (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.) NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths. DSM-IV Definition Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths. Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV) 1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following: A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest. B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases. C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive. D. Repeated assaults on others. E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety. F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations. G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others. 2. At least eighteen years in age. 3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen. 4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder. Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate) Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis. People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so. They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes. They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder. THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html) Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late. Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me." Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment. Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder. Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman. The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game. The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker." No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop. Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job. How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior." Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.' Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on. Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999 THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY: These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable. First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind. (1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything. (2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace. (3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault. (4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed. (5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade. If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately! (1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened. Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available. (2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands. Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best. (3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business. (4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media. If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it. Update: A thorough article. You may also find more at http://sociopathworld.com/. I, the creator of this site, am not a psychologist and have no special expertise in the subject. I created the site as a public service, because no similar site existed in 2003. I occasionally get sad calls and emails. I urge you to consult either a clinical psychologist or the police depending on the problem you face, and wish you good luck.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Sinful Occupations: Into Whoredom & Back Again


Sinful Occupations: Into Whoredom & Back Again



“...like your manifesto, put it the testo”

(Where is Me Jumper, Sultans of Ping, 1992)



After a most recent personal and social experiment, into what I believed to the be the depths of my worst fears manifest, I must recount the following - for I refuse to be under moral compromise (although many may believe that as a Mistress I am in any case) and anyone’s powers - lest they wish to use my engagements against me. Shocking as it may be I must recount my most recent attempts into whoredom. I am glad to state “attempts” and have never been more happy to have failed at something. My reasons for this confession already laid bare I give you some background and my experiences.

A few years, before I publicly declared my Mistress status, I'd surfed the web browsing many a Mistress site - curious, amused, reticent and at times bewildered at many a proposition, statement, blog, anecdote and frontier into Femme Domination - but always feeling excited and most definitely at home. Through the medium of the WWW, I found that that for myself female domination was accessible, exciting and enriching; after believing myself savvy enough and from my perusals and many an assimilation to other Dommes and their experiences, I outed myself with the Sadie site you see today.

My curiosities into sinful occupations had also seen me sift through escort sites - the glamourisation of this area of sex work (a term I detest and will not use from now on) drilled into me from many a glossy mag, film, tv etc... since my childhood and with particular affect, I believe, throughout my teen years. I had considered this path many a time until my most recent foray. In these considerations it never clicked as did femme domme.

Sinful occupations were not new to me - I had experienced adult phone work at 18 and although I have and still do consider respectable careers, I’d found adult work flexible and not too taxing on one’s stamina or intellect - the latter I felt should be preserved for my studies. The air of sleaze and naughtiness of Sinful Occupations appealing greatly to the rebel within. I’d say I’ve used my talents over the years as well as can be - flitting in and out of fifth: escaping and embracing.

Here I should get to the point, lest my blog becomes a book...

The conditions laid down by most Mistresses in the UK was/is a strict no sex policy - this aspect being one of my personal favourites. On my Ms site I insist that escort sites not be listed. Sexual abstinence and orgasm control is placed on my list of sordid pastimes with reverence and I had prided myself with the fact I could be tributed more than many lady of the night for showing a heel, slapping a face or degrading a sub before me.

Escort sites peaked my interest in the autumn of last year as I slid into disillusionment with my BDSM/Mistress ventures - why? I know not to any full extent - maybe I just wanted to try it? - admitting this to oneself or you the reader is hard but obviously doable. Not long after graduating an aunt had hinted that I would make many a pound to offer my lady garden to city gents and playboys seeking companionship; initially I aired doubt - pressing the fact that many London working girls looked as supermodels, with time on their side and that they would entertain with very personal favours of such intimacy for a rate that was shockingly low. With this knowledge I still went forth.

An agency showed interest and arranged to meet me in front of a posh store after I sent some pictures and details - the following was most demoralising when I met a lady who like someones nan coming from a cleaning job. Giving me the up and down there in the street she asked me “how much per hour? I said I would not do an hour - a two hour minimum at least - sorry darling she said, I am looking for girls with lower rates. With her stood a girl who looked around 19 crying - this was not a good start.



I decided to focus on being independent - joined a site for indy girls - on meeting one in particular reality hit home when she told me would offer personal services for half an hour at 80 pounds - she was beautiful and young - I was again shown an explicit truth about this game - I was also feeling uncomfortable but plugged on.

Failure to be successful as an escort was probably premeditated somewhere near my subconscious waiting with patience to tell me so when required. Reflecting, my website and manner was perhaps too forthright, my stoicism unable to be put away when needed and my confidence too much for most alpha males to handle.

My first, dare I say it, punter (a coiffured 50’s Chelsea type) confessed he had clocked me as Sadie as well as Edeva - “who do you want” I questioned - a tad of both was the answer. “One or the other” was my reply. The soiree resulted in a peg nipple scenario - myself oscilating between being an awful sub - trying somewhat but not well enough. The pinnacle came when he asked me to take his manhood in my mouth and it all ended sadly and badly - “no” I replied (well he did ask) after sniffing some poppers he made an excuse and left. On and up I postulated - wondering where on the learning curve I was positioned.

The second potential soiree ended up with me very (here I admit full liability) stupidly being set up by a guy who was very well spoken and seemed very pleasant - not testing his credentials I arrived,(feeling somewhat dubious as he had claimed he lived at lived London Bridge but it turned out to be Bermondsey) knocked on his door to be greeted by a Chinese family - furious I stormed back my car - I saw a guy across the road blatantly watching me from his window, net held high- suspecting him as the hoaxer I showed him the finger and drove off - this was not the glamour or state of ease I’d expected. Before I’d started on my journey into whoredom the end was looking sooner than expected.

I received many a hoax call after then but was now aware of these time-wasters - I had added to my companion site a name and shame time-waster page - my web slave expressed doubt about it but I found that the Sadie in me could not help herself - she was not taking kindly to oppression and wouldn’t give me rest where I put her in discomfort..

Needless to say the pear kept shaping: the second and last rendezvous was a nice professional chap who also declared that he also knew me as Ms Sadie. As before I gave him a choice - Sadie or Edeva - a bit of both (again) without Edeva’s “full service” resulted in something not unlike a Mistress/Slave session - again no sex but some progress saw that he got to express himself clearly over my shoes - a shoe fetishist in my midst.

Never quitting that easy I had to come around to the notion that I had set myself up to fail with this venture. However I gained experience - it taught me that being a Mistress/dominatrix is my true calling within the scope of sinful occupations - such liberation and sense of control to have a sub in my presence - to be calling the shots is what I do best. I am back comfortably living with assurances of my station and feel somewhat renewed with my passion in bdsm practice.

Cliche as the saying is I would like to quote “we are all prostitutes” with reference in particular to this capitalist existence/ a consumer society, world...- I see it being as one cannot help take part unless inclined to forsake life’s necessities and up and leave to live in a mud hut in Ouagadougou.

To end - I have importantly discovered through my trip to whoredom and back that I do not set myself apart from escorts, as a Mistress, because I believe myself to be a higher being for my learnedness and applications in adult work - dear sisters no! My failure has re-enforced to me that bdsm as a higher practice of sexual activity, is somewhere to turn when some other avenues have been exhausted - that is on both individual and cultural planes and that there should remain as clear as possible a boundary between domination/bdsm and escorting. Sadie now in full fettle has once again got her own way - as ever.



.






Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Ms Sadie Performs - Club Pedestal Jan 28th

Mistress Sadie performs at Club Pedestal this coming

FRIDAY 28TH JAN

Club Collosuem, Nine Elms Rd Vauxhall

Performs

IN OBSESSION
a dark fairytale

10 pm
performance at midnigh


Hope to see at least some of you xxx

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

A letter of Appreciation

Sharing is not something one should do lightly and one should always think about what should be distributed and what should not - therefore I have censored some of this email from a burgeoning slave of mine. A month well spent in the company of my lesser...read to your delectation.

"Mistress

God how I have longed for you! Longing too shallow, too hollow a word to express that powerful desire that has gone unsatiated. Those nights I have laid awake trying to conjure your image within my mind, tried to remember your scent, your warmth. So many thousands of miles away, such different circumstances, and yet each day felt like not a moment had passed. That you would enter at any second to reclaim me and drag me back to the nocturnal world that was ours.

This July equalled and surpassed all our unions before. I'm sure we both agree. Hedonism and nightly escapades that were worthy of selling your soul for. I shall be damned if I will wait one whole year for us to be reunited in such fashion again. Already I plot to make such space and care not what I loose in the process. Cut my throat if I lie!

And what a brilliant crescendo to end on! ***** **** ** ****** but also our last evening togethor prior to that with our new interest between us. A concept conceived between us that now gestates and grows ambition beneath Mistress's dark nurture. We were bold enough to take action at first and were rewarded handsomly for our courage. Soon is the time to move on, lest she forget lessons already learnt.

I have fantasised at length, as a good deviant always will, and must remark how close our visions match Mistress. I too had seen Dog and Slutgirl constrained togethor under Mistress's whim. Time passing with only the red eye of a video camera, projecting images to the net for Mistress and select friends, gazing on. Occasionally Mistress may return to reposition her subjects and wipe areas clean as necessary. Beseeching eyes at best ignored, at worst mocked. Perhaps a whip yielded to add dramatic flair to events. It ends, as all good evenings must, with slaves, arms bound in leather constraints behind their backs, desperately trying to pleasure Mistress."


It seems you've way with words dearest. One cannot wait for the next episode.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Father and son: How to insult Russian Ogliarchs in Monaco

It so happened that on my most recent trip to the continent with my two dear friends Ms Belle Douleur and Aunty Tonje in tow, we did happen upon two Russians: "look" I whispered the three of us sitting around a table in the Cafe De Paris " it's a father and son act" as two males walked in and loitered near our table looking for the best spot. One of the them was very tall, tanned and most good looking in a "ken way" the other short and squat, heavy of frame with a very round face, anorak and glasses; in fact it has to be said that this was the roundest face any of us had ever come across; as we three ladies later agreed upon - Aunty making a most correct observational comment that he had "a cartoon face". As we were three ladies in Monaco however and were prepared for a time of partying and socialising, we were prepared to overlook looks and covers for want of some engaging company and entertainment: henceforth the following ensued:

As the Nazi waiter brought a bill over and asked for payment - even though we were not moving and pleaded further drinks to his insistence of a "pay as you go along basis" (so un-continental). Father and son had sat right next to us. I tried to grasp their accent as the waiter spoke to them - believing to myself that they sounded of eastern extraction but not feeling sure of the whereabouts of their cultural origins exactly and with son disappearing for a few minutes I urged, in the most matronly and persuasive of ways, Aunty Tonje on: inspired heavily by a group of young women at the next table who, we had gleaned, had had their drinks brought for them by some old sugardaddie type. Aunty being the outgoing party girl of the three of us was nudged further and further in the most unabashed of manners by myself - " go on, talk to him...do it...ask him of any good clubs...go on...he's looking, he's looking...I urged. And so Aunty Tonje made her move; " erm, excuse me, the Russian favoured not to hear but kept his comely look about him "excuse me" Aunty spoke up and he looked to our direction " we were wondering if would know of any good places to visit around here of an evening". And so the descent began.

"Well" he spoke " I can recommend Cannes at the moment because of the film festival - his accent remaining unidentified until I piped up - "where are you from" just as Shortie sat down. "Russia" he spoke directly at me, "marvelous!" I exclaimed and at that point the waiter came over, Russian Ken gesturing with his hand, "ladies drinks?" "mines a white wine" Tonje said, Belle ordered a cocktail and myself a sparkling water. Shortie sat in his chair side by side with me so that when we spoke we had to turn our heads slightly and our eyes moreso - it was obvious that we could bare not to look at one another. "And what do you do" Tonje followed. "He's a plumber" I said grinning at Russian Ken. Showing his sense of humour he laughed and said "I work in coal and metal"; "he's a miner" said Aunty - again Russian Ken laughed, Shortie sporting a smile also. That's not a tan said Aunty it's coal dust - he offered his hand forth and she rubbed it and everyone laughed at the 'un-PC' joke, the Russians no doubt at our blinding cheek. "Do you know of any good bars or clubs" said Aunty to Shortie? "Well we went to a club called ****** (some name I cannot remember) in Cannes which was pretty good but there is a problem here" chimed Shortie "there are so many whores here in Monaco" - to this his alpha male reference of persuasion I took not too kindly and the air turned sourer than one could have imagined marked by a deathly silence; one of many to come. Shortie through one true but tirade filled statement had, without doubt, landed himself in my bad books. "Well isn't that why you came here" I retorted "and isn't everyone a whore in this capitalist world?" I followed. There was a silence. In a seemingly but shallow attempt to change the mood Shortie said "So where are you from" Aunty told him she was Norweigan but lived in London, "we're English" I divulged, pointing between Belle and myself. He snorted "I went to school in England - a top public school - Seven Oaks". "Oh" I remarked "wouldn't Eton be the top public school?" " No Seven Oaks has been the top school for some years". "How come you don't have an English accent then? I enquired, suspicious as always. I haven't tried, I wanted to keep my Russian accent. "You look Russian" he said to Aunty, " lots of people tell me that" she said. "And what do I look like," I joined in, there was yet again another silence. "I've never been to Russia although I should like to go to Moscow" my feeble attempts at a truce seemed to have some impact as both the Russians nodded agreeing it was a beautiful city "but I once had a boyfriend who dated Russian women, he had a degree and MA in Russian and Eastern politics he told me Russian women were cold and that he would never date them again". The Russians flinched - it seems I had knocked us down their scale another notch all through my cynical experience of lives and life. "Typical and ignorant" hissed Shortie. The conversation then turned to politics and communism whereby I was in my element and Shortie and myself exchanged blows loaded with both sarcasms and truisms. "Of course" I remember concluding, "there really is no such thing as communism" I remember well that Shortie let out a small laugh but I felt he agreed mostly with my statement. "I must say", getting onto the subject of the rich and poor gap in large countries such as Russia who had favoured communism previously, "that with communism's profession of progression one would think that all those communist countries would have the lowest mortality and crime rates. Shortie stiffened and attempted to defend Russia as I crusaded on in the brusquest of mannerisms. For twen minutes or so 'Twas Russia versus Uk versus communism vs capitalism versus humanism versus the human condition etc,. Russian Ken, Belle and Aunty who had opted out of politics were trying to amend the relationship through light conversation but it seemed that all attempts were futile. "Well" I recall saying at this point of the scenario which it must be admitted is now rather fragmented in my mind "if we want to talk progression" after the Russian had made a swipe at out and out capitalism "don't they sell children's body parts in Russia" I made no apology for my rudeness again I brought everyone to an excruciating silence, Shortie eventually answering with "typical ignorant English". I agreed "yes it was an ignorant statement, that is very true" and so was the statement itself I thought and I am sure they quietly agreed. As the conversation had turned to politics, "progressive society" and nationalism of sorts Aunty made her escape and had now gone to the lavatory and there was again a pervading uncomfortable silence - things were not going well. Belle and Russian Ken then started to talk about cigars and she accepted a cigarette from him. On Aunty's return Shortie expressed his succinct observational skills " so it seems you are the quiet one" he pointed to Belle " you the chatty, fun one and you" - he glanced sideways at me and me at him - and paused as I filled in "I am the dangerous one" yes" he replied as though genuinely thankful for my erudite self-description. The conversation turned to "So how are you getting back" we drove I said - I saw them exchange glances: clearly they wanted a lift and as we had made ourselves uncomfortable in our presence I wasn't going to put out (with a lift) unless they put in - the final nail came when the waiter sauntered over and landed us the bill - the Russians not offering to pay, made Aunty Tonje's face a picture as she seemingly choked on her drink, Belle got out her purse with very much readiness and I laughed out aloud as though not in the least surprised. Do not they say you should never talk politics over dinner; such fun! Aunty ordered another drink and the conversation lay sparse on the ground at this point. As we sauntered off I bent down and whispered in Shortie's ear " Seven Oaks my arse" "Seven Oaks your arse" was the riposte. Exactly, I thought, I had him in training and he wasn't even aware.

As we walked out a heavily accented waiter came running behind us - "excuse me Madame, there is an unpaid bill" An inebriated Aunty had forgotten to pay for the last drink.

The beginning of our adventures on the Riveria.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

He Who Hath Tried To Torture Me

He who hath tried to torture me

Failed for all his worth

Whilst hands were bound

a mind followed suit

And freed not itself

but tried further it's will



He who hath tried to torture me

Succeeded and gloats

Swollen and fat

Like satisfaction itself

sat me on bed of nails

Only then silence ensued

For I'd not let it be known

that silence was indeed my friend



String me up as I tighten this strap

Gag me indefinite as I tear at your skin

He hath tortured me for he hath found

What I'd hidden

Degenerate calls

Degenerate is

He hath found me

And torture is clear



For I'll bleed all day before you sip my blood

Killed himself before his own eyes

Strangluation by the rope, get on with the blade

Choked by hands, passed by such

For such as is never, never to explain fully

He who hath tortured me

my free soul

Will not gain crop in a field of contempt



When nothing is felt no symptom or pain

No torture or taint

In no return

For now we both hold

For we've both found

That torture proposed to be hidden

A new maid!

I hereby declare that Fanny of Hertfordshire is my new official maid.

Fanny, who has also undergone a recent name change to my liking, has pledged to serve her Mistress in more than a few ways and in the most servile of mannerisms. I shall sincerely hope that she sticks to her word. I should like to welcome her to the House of Sadie but at the same time warn her that: my standards shall never cease, my word remain law and my mind and hand always deft. To her I conclude - try your best for your best may save you, or break you, or both.